tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-78238355102630910862024-03-12T18:20:23.750-07:00Bad EditorAnonymoushttp://www.blogger.com/profile/15478941526878695078noreply@blogger.comBlogger1125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7823835510263091086.post-57131003251648281682014-01-10T20:21:00.002-08:002014-01-10T20:21:52.466-08:00Review for Keyai's "Shadow Call" from reddit<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: left; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is a review for Keyai's Chapter 1 of "Shadow Call"</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.5px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Another stab at the vampire genre with obvious influences from Stephanie Meyer.</span></span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="line-height: 19.5px; white-space: pre-wrap;">Despite the comments you find here, I still did my best in critiquing and editing and reviewing this piece.</span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Chapter 1</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas paced back and forth on the field Lord Grey had marked, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Pacing back and forth is a very boring way to introduce ANYTHING]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> his gaze fixed on the plot of freshly broken but well packed dirt.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: lime; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[I’m more interested in the dirt if the dirt had any plot points, it makes wonder if something is buried down there]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> A worn down cathedral wasted away behind him. Overgrown and unkempt, the grounds and surrounding forest were beginning to become indistinguishable. Everything around the cathedral seemed alive. Green ivy climbed its walls and trees nestled in its side reached up towards its stain glass windows, the stories they told long faded and broken. Even the shadows of the cathedral’s spires stretched out towards Thomas like fingers imploring a desperate plea for help. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[The cathedral is described nicely but I hope it isn’t a thrown away scene for something else later]</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Regardless of duty or purpose, Thomas always dressed his best. White starch shirt, black leather vest over a solid black tie and freshly ironed black pants marked the occasion. While blood hadn’t flowed through his veins for a century now, something about the way he dressed always helped him feel alive. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Alive is pretty subjective here, if you were a vampire would you REALLY consider yourself “dead?” As long as you’re moving, you’re alive, no? Just like how some horror stories may have inanimate objects “come to life”. My suggestion, delete this paragraph.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The night boasted a full moon like a lone street light amidst a blackout. The field cascaded bright and dim as clouds quickly passed overhead. Thomas pulled out his pocket watch; it was time. He set down his duffle bag and began to remove his tools. A spade head shovel, the ritual tome </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Final Passage</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, his Sudoku book marked to a half finished page, and his sword. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[This is more interesting than your first paragraph, I would really just start here]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The ground broke apart easily as Thomas dug. Effortlessly he tossed the dirt to the side, his muscles unhindered by mortality. Much like the moonlight, the wind would rise and taper around him. There was neither sweat to cool his brow, nor breath for him to catch so he kept at it rhythmic and dutiful. Thunder echoed in the distance. The next boom was closer, a blow that recoiled off the tip of his shovel. He cleared away the top of the plain wooden box, and climbed out. He opened the tome, to the pages marked by Lord Grey. The thunder rapped again. And again. That…was no thunder. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[This makes no sense. Did something sound like thunder under a clear sky? Why not just say that?]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas’s eyes rose from the pages and scanned the horizon. The clouds were sheen like a young bride’s veil. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Clouds NEVER look like this, do your research. Clouds are balls of gas consisting of mostly polar molecules, hence it usually looks like puffs, not like a cloth as the molecules want to form something ball like]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> Thomas stood in silence. The boom laughed again; this time he felt it. The earth trembled beneath him. Thomas peered over the edge of the grave; </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">BOOM. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The top of the plain wooden box shook in unison. Thomas unsheathed his sword.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[This is a fantasy, describe your damn sword, that’s a must. Is it a long sword, a short sword, a katana? Even if it’s a plain sword, tell that to us. One extra sentence wouldn’t be bad. Your spade head shovel from your third paragraph got more description than your sword.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Darkness and shadows erupted from the grave, quickly engulfing him. The air turned cold and heavy; swirling around him like a vortex bereft of wind. Whispers and yells surrounded him on all sides. His eyes were open but he could barely see, a shapeless curtain of blacks and purples shrouded everything around him. The grave in front of him was pitch black, it’d become a seething pool of shadow swirling of its own accord. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[You only needed the first line, the rest makes no sense or was cliche or just reiterates the first line.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What’s happening? Who’s there?” An ominous ethereal voice spoke, an androgynous tone of high and low pitches. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Androgynous, yeah… </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">REALLY</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> menacing.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The voice encircled Thomas as if the shadows themselves were speaking. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[What does shadow sound like? If you’re simply describing the appearance, did the shadow grow a pair of lips?]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The voice was young and daring; Thomas made no reply. Slowly he backed away from the pool, measuring each step with caution unwilling to slash at the unseen. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Why slash at something that sounds androgynous, if it was my dad, he’d simply tell the person to have a proper sexchange before confusion settles in]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> His eyes darted back and forth trying to discern anything in the shadows. From nothing a force struck him head on, </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Androgynous adversaries and a vortex of nothing knocking your main character over. Someone in your story is starting to sound like a whimp. At the very least, don’t use the word “nothing”]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> knocking him back several feet out of the haze. The blow was hard and heavy, greater than anything Thomas had ever felt. He rose to his feet quickly, picking up his sword.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Before him was a dome of swirling black and purple. Shadowy wisp like faces, mouths gaped into a moan, seemed to form and fall from the surface like leaves caught in a breeze. Thomas had read little and less of the shadow magic he appeared to be facing. The original manipulators of shadow, The Cilabri, had been presumed dead for centuries. Their blood fathers had gone mad and threatened to make them known to the human world. Prince Rasper had called the undead sects together and decreed open war on the Cilabri and ordered them destroyed. The Cilabri were said to be able to wield shadow itself, from the lowly and weak, merely able to blend into the shadows and make advanced shadow puppetry, to the old and gravely powerful, able to call forth great beasts of shadow to raze their opposition. Books from the time had said it was a great success, the hunt lasting no more than a decade. Whatever he faced here proved the contrary. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[This is too much exposition for any reader who isn’t invested in your story or any reader who doesn’t have any idea of what you’re talking about. Learn to hint about these ideas in a sporadic amount if it’s </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">that</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> important.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The shadowy mass before him flashed, burst and dispersed away. Left standing in front of him was a girl no more than eighteen. She stood at a moderate height; her black straight hair was cut ear length and hung to obscure part of her face. A long leather trench coat spotted with dirt hung over her jeans and black t-shirt, with knee-high leather boots laced up tight. Her stance was weak and her face was pale; she’d been suffering at her tormentors hands for too long. The Cilabri often tortured their new initiates by burying them and leaving them for sometimes weeks on end, releasing them several times only to beat and inter them again. Depriving them a fresh blood supply left them weak and oftentimes deranged. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Nothing you wrote hinted at another character approaching, this is just random now.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Not, not again, I’ll kill you first.” The girl said to Thomas with tension and defiance in her voice. The shadows behind the girl seemed to flicker and dance.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas loosened his posture, “Do you know your name, and why you are here?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“My name is Lacy.” She gazed around the field and the cathedral with a look of irate confusion, “and I don’t know where I am.” She gave pause as she noticed Thomas and his drawn sword.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You aren’t who I was expecting. Who are you?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“My name is Thomas, I’m from the Order.”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What…Order?”</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> [She’s probably too confused about what’s happening, she might mistake the main character for a waiter at a restaurant. Choose a better and more unique name please.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“There is much and more you do not know Lacy. I could recount to you everything you thought you knew about your former life. I could tell you the history of the people I serve. I could tell you what you’ve become. In the end though, it would all be for naught. The outcome cannot change here tonight.” </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Men of little words sound less like an idiot. My suggestion is not to have your character as if they’re reading the first paragraphs of a thesis paper while introducing themselves.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I…I don’t understand.” Lacy’s voice acquired some desperation. Thomas felt his shoulders tense.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I know, and for that I am sorry.” Thomas charged. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Yeah, thanks for bombarding her with a PHD paper, you jerk.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The girl made no effort to move as Thomas closed the distance. Her eyes were locked on his and he saw her mouth twitch with anger. She lifted her head and quickly swept the hair from her face. Her eyes were a crystal blue, almost white. All she said was “Fine.” </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[People really don’t simply say “fine” to large men carrying swords, they would usually run away and call the cops first]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Lacy threw her hands down and again darkness exploded, this time Thomas was ready. Thomas charged bullheaded through the darkness. His mind filled with the screams and shouts as before, his doubts and past failures started to creep in. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">This is only a trick.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> His eyes tried to find the girl. Only one clean strike and he could break her. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Don’t Thomas, you already broke her with nonsensical thesis, don’t break her anymore.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> She was untrained, and that meant undisciplined. Being unable to control her strength was his greatest advantage, but it was also his greatest worry. His eyes and body trudged forward searching with sight and touch. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I cannot fail, she can’t be loosed.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> He turned around and looked back. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">How deep is this?</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> He felt her touch on his shoulder, like a lover’s sweet caress. He turned and slashed without hesitation. She stood without flinching as she laughed and wisped away. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">*CRACK*</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Seriously, if he was going to attack her, why didn’t he attack her earlier than to waste time in trying to give a bad lecture?]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A tremendous force fell on Thomas’s back, knocking him to the ground. As he tried to pull himself up something coiled around his leg, and another grasped his arm and shoulder. Shadowy tendrils began to wrap themselves around him. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">I can’t move.</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The tentacles began to envelop him head to toe squeezing and lifting him up, nothing giving way as he struggled. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Oh, a girl with tentacles, I see why she sounded androgynous]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> The dome of shadow dissipated over him, and the world opened up. The cathedral, clouds and stars returned to view. As the coils tightened around him he felt his shoulder crack and his world shrunk away just as quickly. The shadowy arms held him up to a standing position. He craned his head to see Lacy, who was whimsically flipping through the pages of </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Final Passage</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“P...please.” Thomas choked on his words.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Lacy looked up from her book with a wicked smile across her face. She cocked her head to the side, put on a look of fake concern, and said “Something wrong?” A coy tone rippled through her voice.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Y...you don’t know...what you are doing.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You got that right.” Lacy chuckled to herself and nodded in agreement, “the last thing I remember was being out at the bar with Erin and Chelsea. After that, I get a headache, and then I’m here fighting with you. Doing things that </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">should</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> be impossible. I don’t know how I know. I don’t know how I can flex muscles I don’t have; but I can. So...I need answers...quickly.” </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[OMG, they haven’t started dating yet and she’s already coming to him with her problems with her biology.]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas could see the anger flash across her face. The coil gripping his torso tightened around him. He felt a rib crack. “Oops” Lacy said in the background and giggled. The coil loosened.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I was sent here, to kill you.” Thomas grimaced as pain shot across his chest and shoulder.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[Next time you kill someone, try not to weaken them with the power of your thesis paper, it’s usually not very effective]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Lacy looked at the sword in her hand. She flipped the tome closed and read the cover. Her eyes went back to Thomas. She sighed and looked at Thomas with exasperation and slight amusement.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Duh. Now start talking.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas was unsure about what to say. The more she learned the more dangerous she could become.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You aren’t human anymore.” Thomas paused as he let that sink in. In the Order, these things were generally handled more delicately. Initiates were brought in softly and with purpose that they themselves were aware of. With the Cilabri it was neither.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“So what am I?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas felt the coils relax around him. They lowered him to a more comfortable, albeit still restrained, position; his pain slightly receding.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas sighed. He didn’t need to breathe, in a conventional sense, but it always seemed to relax him a little more, as if there was a human inside refusing to give way.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“I guess the colloquial term would be vampire. A lot of things the human race gets correct, but there is more they get wrong. You will not age; your skin will not rot. You still need blood, that your body will consume, and you will need humans to fill again. Most of us, you included, have a power that we draw from our ancient bloodlines. Those muscles you feel, are shadow. Unfortunately, this makes you very dangerous. Too dangerous; which is why I was sent.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“How am I a danger? I don’t even know what I am.”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“You are a Cilabri. As your blood grows and spreads the result is either mad, or madder.” Thomas felt the exhaustion creeping through his voice.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“So there is not even room for debate? No chance of me not being crazy?”</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Do you not feel it?” Thomas asked with surrender in his voice.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Well, I guess I need to figure out what to do next.” She slid the blade through Thomas’s chest. She looked down to see if the blood flowed. It did but barely. She listened to him gasp and watched his eyes widen with a smile on her face. The coils around Thomas tightened and tightened, the darkness crept into his eyes. She pulled the blade out, leaned in to Thomas’s ear, “Maybe I do feel a little madder.” </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: red; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: bold; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">[So when does the whole, “she doesn’t have control of her powers yet” fall in?]</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></div>
<b id="docs-internal-guid-22ca5219-7f7b-9eb6-38aa-910fa6c780b0" style="font-weight: normal;"><br /><br /><br /><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 15px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"></span></b><br />
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: center; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Here's my edit to chapter one, removing all the obligatory writings as I can while adding in transitions to help create a better narrative structure.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"> </span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The night boasted a full moon like a lone street light amidst a blackout in the Lord Grey Cathedral. The field cascaded bright and dim as clouds quickly passed overhead. A man in a white shirt and leather vest pulled out his pocket watch. His thoughts spoke to him, it was time. He set down his duffle bag and began to remove his tools. A spade head shovel, the ritual tome </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The Final Passage</span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">, his Sudoku book marked to a half finished page, and his sheathed sword. Everything about him seemed ancient, except for the daily newspaper he carried with the names of missing people and the obituaries.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">A thundering bangs was made under the clear starry night sky, as if it was ringing in place of the cathedral bell.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas stood in a brief and momentary silence. The sound of thunder however would soon crack again; this time he felt it. The earth trembled beneath him. Thomas peered over the edge of the grave; </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: italic; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">BOOM. </span><span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The top of the plain wooden box shook in unison. Thomas unsheathed his sword.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Darkness and shadows erupted from the grave, quickly engulfing him. The air turned cold and heavy; swirling around him like a vortex bereft of wind.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“What’s happening? Who’s there?” A voice spoke.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Thomas replied with a slash from his sword.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Collecting himself when he wasn’t able to strike anything, his eyes darted back and forth trying to discern anything in the shadows.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">From shadow, a force struck him head on, knocking him back several feet out of the haze. The blow was hard and heavy, greater than anything Thomas had ever felt. He scampered and reached for his sword that was tossed away from him by the attack.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The shadowy mass before him flashed, burst and dispersed away. Left standing in front of him was a girl no more than eighteen with her eyes shut.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Her face was pale while her black hair partially covered most of it. For a hazed view, she opened her eyes and saw the man in front of him. “Don’t kill me,” she said, but with a very practiced and eased tone, despite her choice of words.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The man looked beside him while still holding his sword. He spotted his newspaper before he asked, “are you Lacy?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Yes,” she said.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Forgive me then, but you are too dangerous” the man replied and tightened his grip on his sword.</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Within the cover of the night, amongst the blackout, the sound of battle could be heard. Swinging swords, whipping through the air and the screams of battle cries were sounded.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">The last voice that could be heard from the cathedral, however, was a girl’s laughter.</span></div>
<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">Casually yet unseen, Lacy later found herself holding the head of the man who had threatened to kill her as she stood in the cathedral.</span></div>
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<div dir="ltr" style="line-height: 1.5; margin-bottom: 0pt; margin-top: 0pt; text-align: justify; text-indent: 36pt;">
<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;">“Danger” she said with blood over her face, “am I?”</span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; color: black; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; font-weight: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"><b>As much as I tried in improving this, the source material is still pretty bad.</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; font-family: Arial; font-size: 13px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal; text-decoration: none; vertical-align: baseline; white-space: pre-wrap;"><span style="color: red;"><b>To the writer,</b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">You need to limit yourself in your narration if you intend to get others to read it. Most people don't have time to look over long-winded explanations of what a Cilabri is. Furthermore, characters that speak in exposition are really a bad idea unless they've established themselves as a mentor to the minds of the reader.</span></span></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">As for your story idea, nothing is set up yet in chapter one when the only character you introduced is killed off by cliche magical powers.</span></span></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;"><br /></span></span></b></span></span></div>
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<span style="background-color: transparent; vertical-align: baseline;"><span style="color: red;"><b><span style="font-family: Arial; font-size: x-small;"><span style="white-space: pre-wrap;">"Shadow magic" really isn't enticing.</span></span></b></span></span></div>
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